The Cycle of Violence
Patterns of Abuse in a Violent Relationship
The cycle of violence can happen many times in an abusive relationship. Each stage lasts a different amount of time in the relationship, with the total cycle taking from a few hours to a year or more to complete. Emotional abuse is present in all three stages.
| Phases | Abusers may… | Survivors may… |
|---|---|---|
| Phase 1 | Pick fights Act jealous & possessive Criticize, threaten Drink, use drugs Be moody, unpredictable Try crazy-making |
Feels like he/she walking on eggshells Try to reason with the abuser Try to calm the abuser Try to appease the abuser Keep silent Keep children quiet Feel afraid and anxious |
| Phase 2 | Verbal and Emotional Abuse Sexual Assault Physical Abuse Increase control over money Restrain partner Destroy property |
Experience fear and shock Protect self and children Use self-defense Call for help Pray for it to stop Try to flee, leave Do what is necessary to survive |
| Phase 3 | Ask for forgiveness Promise it won’t happen again Stop drinking/ taking drugs Seek counseling Be affectionate Initiate intimacy Minimize or deny abuse |
Forgive Return to abusive home Arrange for counseling Feel hopeful Feel manipulated Blame self Minimize or deny abuse |
Adapted from L. Walker, The Battered Woman, Harper and Row, New York, 1980.
